Teaching My Son the Lessons I Didn't Learn

Much to my surprise, I'm finding motherhood to be incredibly therapeutic.

Part of it is certainly that I have felt far more socially connected since my son's birth than at any other time in my life.  Ironic, I know, but true.  I feel incredibly supported by my friendships with other parents, accepted for who I am, and inspired to grow.  Finally experiencing the social connection that I desperately craved for my entire childhood has increased my self-esteem and has decreased my issues with depression, which in turn helps me feel like a better mother.

But more specifically, as a mother, I feel like all the kindness and love that I pour into my son's life is somehow healing my own childhood wounds.  I see him learning the lessons that I wish I had learned myself as a child, and I feel at peace.

He is learning, right from the start, that his feelings are important.  As a toddler, he has so many feelings, which often appear suddenly and catch both of us off guard.  My job as a parent is to help him learn to recognize his feelings, to validate his feelings, and to direct him toward an appropriate action to manage his feelings.  For us, that means when he's expressing an emotion, I get down at his level and say things like, "Sweetie, are you feeling sad/upset/angry because _______? Awww!" And then I suggest an appropriate comforting/distracting/calming activity.  The most amazing thing to me is that, even as a toddler, he usually quiets down in order to listen to me name his emotion,  and seems incredibly relieved just to be understood.

He is also learning that his opinions and desires are are worth expressing, even though at this age they sound like nothing more than him shouting, "No! No! No!"  It's up to me to help him phrase his opinions and wishes more clearly, because his "no" could mean anything from, "Don't do that!" to "I don't want to do that!" to "I want to do what you are doing" to "I want to have what you have."  Once we understand each other, we can decide how to proceed.  But most importantly, I always try to praise him by saying something like, "Good job asking!" even when I have to delay or deny his wish.

Finally, he is also learning, along with me, about the importance of social connection and the joy that others can bring into our lives.  He is not yet in pre-school, so as a stay-at-home mom I have to make a conscious effort to teach him this.  We leave the house at least once every day, either for a playdate, coffee date, mommy & me class, park, children's museum, library, or errand.  For myself, I know that I need to be around other people daily to avoid emotional flashbacks to the isolation of my youth.  For my son, I know that he needs to have a lot of early positive experiences with others and have a lot of opportunities to observe social interaction so that he can build his confidence for later social success.  Watching my naturally shy little boy become comfortable and have fun with other people is incredibly satisfying.  It gives me hope that my personal social weaknesses will not greatly limit him.  

Seeing my son learn these three lessons has made my motherhood experience wonderful so far.  I only hope, as Baby Boy #2 joins that family this fall, and as my boys get older and start school, that we will be able to continue building strong family relationships on this basic foundation.

Happy Mother's Day!

Partnering with "Homeschoolers Anonymous"

Perhaps at one point, the homeschooling movement was so fragile that it couldn't deal with any scrutiny, but that is no longer the case.  It has now become a thriving educational option with a lot to offer.  And, as one of many educational options--like public school, Christian school, Catholic school, Montessori school, etc--it is time to allow a balanced approach to the discussion that shows the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Along with the great success stories of homeschooling, there are many other stories of pain, neglect, and abuse that were enabled or exacerbated by homeschooling.

That is why I'm so excited to partner with a new website called Homeschoolers Anonymous.  Although it's not even a month old, already so many former homeschoolers have found their way there to share their stories.  As many of those former homeschoolers know, it is difficult to decide to share these stories.  Within fundamentalist Christian homeschooling, we were trained to see ourselves as representatives of a movement with a fragile reputation, and we were taught that every personal failure and struggle was nothing more than our own spiritual weakness, unconnected to our homeschooling experience.  But now, in sharing our stories and hearing others, we are finding healing and strength, most of all from knowing that we are not alone, not crazy.

Please listen to our stories with empathy, even if your homeschooling experience was positive.  Instead of immediately and only jumping to defend homeschooling, please ask yourself what can be done to reduce the potential for harm within homeschooling.   Instead of merely pointing out that harm also happens within other educational options, let's actually try to address these problems.  It's difficult to share our stories, and we don't want our stories to be wasted.

Motivating vs. Controlling Children

I absolutely adore my sweet, sensitive little boy.  He melts my heart with the hugs and kisses he shares even with his toys, the way he beams "Mommy! Mommy! Here go!" as he brings me bowls of pretend food,  the way he belly laughs when we play chase, the way he loudly tells himself, "No, no!" when breaking a house rule, and the way his lower lip sticks out when he is about to burst into heart-felt sobs.

Looking into his adorable little face, I just can't imagine ever hitting him, no matter what his mood or what he has just done.  I know that being hit by his parents would break his sensitive little heart, not to mention my own.  Although I can't say with certainty that spanking is always wrong for everyone, I absolutely know that it is wrong for my son, wrong for me, wrong for my family.

And luckily for me, it seems that research backs up the results of parenting without the dynamic of strong punishment.  In his bestselling book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion",  Dr. Robert Cialdini describes a very relevant study on using different types of persuasion on children.

In the study, the children--all boys ranging from age 7 to 9--were divided into two groups.  For one group, each boy was shown an array of five toys, then threatened with punishment if he played with the most attractive toy, a robot.  When the researcher left the room for a few minutes, almost all the boys avoided the forbidden toy.

However, the other group of boys, who also each saw the same five toys, received different treatment.  They were simply instructed not to play with the robot "because it is wrong," with no threat of punishment.  When the researcher left the room, almost all of those boys also avoided the forbidden toy.  In other words, these two approaches produced the same immediate results.

The most interesting part of the study came six weeks later, when the same boys met with the researcher again.  This time, the researcher didn't give any special instructions about the robot when leaving each boy alone in the room with the same five toys.  Of the group of boys who had previously been threatened with punishment, 77% chose to play with the robot during the second visit.  Of the group of boys who had simply been instructed rather than threatened, only 33% chose to play with the robot during the second visit.

How can we account for this difference?  The book explains,

"Social scientists have determined that we accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have chosen to perform it in the absence of strong outside pressures.  A large reward is one such external pressure.  It may get us to perform a certain action, but it won't get us to accept inner responsibility for the act.  Consequently, we won't feel committed to it.  The same is true of a strong threat; it may motivate immediate compliance, but it is unlikely to produce long-term commitment.

 All of this has important implications for rearing children.  It suggests that we should never heavily bribe or threaten our children to do the things we want them to truly believe in.  Such pressures will probably produce temporary compliance with our wishes.  However, if we want more than just that, if we want the children to believe in the correctness of what they have done, if we want them to continue to perform the desired behavior when we are not present to apply those outside pressures, then we must somehow arrange for them to accept inner responsibility for the actions we want them to take" ("Influence," Kindle location 1526-1537).

This certainly resonates with my own experience.  I know that I felt very little agency over my life and my choices while growing up, and as I discovered in the freedom of adulthood, very very few of the lessons of my youth "stuck."  So now as a parent, I will try as much as possible to promote mutually respectful dialogue, disagreement, and compromise, so that my son doesn't have to realize that he has no idea who he is when he becomes an adult.

Happy One-Year Blogiversary to Me!

Yes, February 15, 2012 was the date of my very first blog post.

I started blogging for several reasons.  First, I've always enjoyed writing and wanted to prevent my writing skills from getting rusty from disuse.  Second, as a new mom, I was very afraid of repeating many of the mistakes I experienced in my childhood, so I decided to use writing to help me better organize my thoughts and better understand myself and my experiences.  Finally, I wanted to connect with an online community on the topic of spiritual abuse and add my voice to the discussion that had helped me so much; I hoped that perhaps my story might help other children of fundamentalism to process their experiences and help other parents to avoid making the types of mistakes that I experienced.

You, my readers, mean so much to me, and I appreciate the time and thought that goes into each comment even when we disagree.  Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing your opinions, thank you for sharing your stories.  I sometimes wish that I could just hug some of you, especially based on the google searches that have led some of you to my blog:


"16 years old no friends isolated" and "how does a shy homeschooled teenager make friends" (and the many others who searched for variations of "social anxiety homeschooled" and "homeschool isolation")-- Dear searchers, that was exactly me at that age too.  I didn't know what it felt like to connect to another person, to feel loved and wanted, to laugh and have fun, or to look forward to the next day.  I knew almost nothing about the world or the people in it, and as a result I was terrified of life.  I never imagined that I would one day have the wonderful, satisfying, connected life that I have now.  I know you can get that for yourself too, despite being isolated in your teen years, but it will take a lot of determination and vulnerability.  You might want to give up many many times because of painful growing experiences, like I had, but eventually you will find yourself and find your place in the world if you don't give up.

"help friends with social anxiety homeschooled"--Dear searcher, your homeschooled friends are lucky to have such a caring person in their lives.  Your acceptance and encouragement will be a good start for them to gain confidence around other people.  To help your friends, you can listen to their fears and look for opportunities to praise their social successes.  And if possible, help them to feel wanted and needed in social situations that cause them anxiety so that they won't give up and withdraw; overcoming social anxiety takes a LOT of practice (and in some cases, medication--there's nothing wrong with that).

"starting over with adult children"--Dear searcher, I have a lot of hope for you.   Your search shows that you realize that you have made mistakes that damaged your relationship with your children, and you are hoping to have another chance.  I know from personal experience that this is possible, because my relationship with my dad today is better than I ever imagined possible when I was growing up, and I don't hold anything against him anymore.  He realized his mistakes through both self-reflection and respectful listening, offered a heartfelt apology, completely abandoned any attempt to control or criticize my life, and began to praise me for becoming a great person.  With time, these changes helped me learn to trust him, and eventually caused me to actually like and respect him as a person.  I hope that the same will eventually happen for you and your kids.

"getting away from authoritarian parents" and "how to survive authoritarian parents"--Dear searchers, you have the same problem but seem to prefer very different solutions.  The unfortunate reality of authoritarian/fundamentalist parents is that often those are the only two options--escaping vs. surviving.  Many authoritarian/fundamentalist parents are so ingrained in black-and-white thinking that they find it impossible to engage in dialogue or tolerate any disagreement from their children.  Because of that, a real relationship with them is impossible; you can't be yourself; you can only choose between full rebellion and the appearance of conformity.  The right choice depends on who you are and what your situation is.  Make your choice carefully because true independence requires self-sufficiency; sometimes you may need to pacify your parents for awhile longer in order to secure the education or job skills you need to be on your own.  Just remember--once you are self-sufficient, the power shifts to you; you can decide who to include and exclude from your life; you can decide the terms of the relationship.

"what your kids would look like if you have sex with an elephant"--Um, WHY did that search lead you to my blog???  Put on a trunk and look in the mirror; if that doesn't help, then I'm sorry, try another blog.

Judgmental People

"How was your Christmas?" the guy working at the fish counter at my local grocery store asked.

"It was a good Christmas....how was yours?" I responded, moving my cart as my toddler tried to smack his slobbery hands on the display window.

"Oh actually, I celebrate Hanukkah.  My family is Jewish," he volunteered.

And from there, we somehow chatted our way into the story of his first Christmas experience--last year, with his girlfriend's extremely Christian family.  "We just sat around singing songs about Baby Jesus," he said incredulously, "and anytime I made a joke to lighten the mood, I could tell it offended them, especially her aunt."

"That is soooo awkward and no fun at all!" I said, secretly wondering how similar my past self was to his girlfriend's aunt.  "What did your girlfriend think of the whole situation?"

"Well, that's the problem; she's not religious anymore herself, but she didn't feel comfortable with my joking around and being honest in front of her family.  We actually just broke up two months ago because we couldn't work that out.  She was so afraid of being judged."

And that is the legacy of growing up in religious fundamentalism--fear of being judged.  And for a person who was never given permission to be themselves, who was conditioned for their whole lives to conform to a very narrow standard in order to be loved, the experience of being judged even as an adult can often be devastating and crippling.  The disapproval of others, rather than being a blip on the radar, is instead a sign of a looming danger.  Because of its use as a control tactic in fundamentalist circles, it signals that a relationship is broken until the person conforms.

This fear of judgment is something that I personally still struggle with on occasion, although thankfully not as much as  before.  I often try to remind myself that there are many different approaches to life, and some people are better suited for one than other--it's ok if I'm doing things differently than others in my life, and it's ok if they are doing things differently than me.  And from there, I'm starting to take to heart that adults can disagree with each others' choices and yet still like each other.  Really, it's one of my favorite things about being outside the black-and-white worldview of fundamentalism.

However, around most religious friends and family, and any other person who has a particularly judgmental attitude, I still struggle.  Up until a few years ago, I often found myself playing the role of the Jewish guy's ex-girlfriend--keeping quiet, avoiding conflict by suppressing my true self, sacrificing my real opinions for the sake of the "relationship".  Yet these days, I have swung to the other extreme--a sort of "judgmental people can go f*ck themselves" attitude, because I don't want people like that in my life or my son's life.  I don't even want to be aware of their existence.

I don't think that either approach is the healthiest one for me.  But I do think that it might be necessary for people like me--those who grew up in the extremely judgmental fundamentalist culture--to experience both extremes in order to identify and settle in the more peaceful middle ground.  I hope that, step by step, I'll be able to move towards true self-confidence that is not unsettled even by the presence of judgmental people; I hope that I can completely be myself while also being tolerant of and kind to even the judgmental people who cross my path.

This Thanksgiving...

I am thankful that I was able to leave the terrible and repressive aspects of Christian culture that I grew up in, to get out of the suffocatingly small box that it put me in, and to discover my real personality and identity. There is far more good in the world and in the people around me than I ever imagined when I was growing up afraid and isolated.  There is far more good in me than I ever realized when I was immersed in a culture of unhealthy standards, guilt, shame, and control.

I am thankful for the good friendships I have today, for the people who accept me the way I am, include me in their lives, drink with me, laugh with me, help me when I'm in trouble, celebrate and commiserate with me, really know how to listen, and trust me enough to share their own stories and needs as well.

I am thankful, although it can be painful, that I am able to distance myself from relationships when necessary.  I no longer feel compelled to be a doormat to controlling or manipulative people, to confide in untrustworthy people, to try to please people who look down on me, or to accept unhealthy levels of drama in my life,   I know that, as an introvert who grew up isolated, I have limited social energy, so I need to invest it more carefully.

And most of all, I am thankful for these two people:

My husband, who treats me with respect, who loves to give me hugs, who is incredibly intelligent and well-read, who kicks ass at his job, who loves experimenting in the kitchen, and who gets up with our toddler every single night without complaint.  Even with the challenges we have encountered, he has exceeded my expectations of what a husband and a marriage could be like, and I feel incredibly lucky that we found each other at exactly the right time in our lives.

My sweet toddler, who also loves to give me hugs, who loves reading books with me, and whose fascination with every vehicle and every animal helps me appreciate the world more.  I love that he is cautious, bashful, easy-going, and analytical, yet still squeals with delight over going headfirst down a waterside into a pool.  In hindsight, I appreciate the countless hours of cuddling and bonding we have gotten due to his terrible sleeping, although I am definitely anticipating better sleep for everyone in the future.  And I have to say, his chubby-cheeked smile is probably the cutest thing in the entire world.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Confessions of an Ex-Pro-Life Activist

You know those people who go to college campuses, high schools, and even middle schools to hold enormous pictures of aborted fetuses?  I was one of those people.  For almost two years, starting at age 19, I participated in a local pro-life group made up almost exclusively of fundamentalist homeschooled teens, called "Teens for Life".

I had never even been inside a middle school or high school, and was attending a church that actively discouraged women from going to college, yet there I was, holding bloody pictures and trying to pass out literature on the sidewalk in front of them.  I had no social skills, crippling depression, and was unable to carry on a conversation even with other members of my pro-life group, yet there I was, trying to interact with the public in the most aggressive and controversial way possible.

It has been ten years since those days, but one thing has not changed: I still consider abortion a tragedy that we as a society should work to prevent.  Although that opinion is the same, everything else has shifted around it and other equally valid concerns have joined it.  I'll let some better writers than me explain:

"How I Lost Faith in the 'Pro-Life' Movement" by Libby Anne of Love Joy Feminism:

What I want to share here is how I came to this realization. And if you, reader, are one of those who opposes abortion because you believe it is murder and you want to save the lives of unborn babies, well, I hope to persuade you that the pro-life movement is not actually your ally in this, that you have been misled, and that you would be more effective in decreasing the number of abortions that occur if you were to side with pro-choice progressives. If this is you, please hear me out before shaking your head.

"The 'biblical view' that's younger than the Happy Meal" by the Slacktivist:

That year [1979], Christianity Today — edited by Harold Lindsell, champion of “inerrancy” and author of The Battle for the Bible — published a special issue devoted to the topics of contraception and abortion....Keep in mind that this is from a conservative evangelical seminary professor, writing in Billy Graham’s magazine for editor Harold Lindsell: 

"God does not regard the fetus as a soul, no matter how far gestation has progressed. The Law plainly exacts: 'If a man kills any human life he will be put to death' (Lev. 24:17). But according to Exodus 21:22-24, the destruction of the fetus is not a capital offense. … Clearly, then, in contrast to the mother, the fetus is not reckoned as a soul."

Christianity Today would not publish that article in 2012. They might not even let you write that in comments on their website. If you applied for a job in 2012 with Christianity Today or Dallas Theological Seminary and they found out that you had written something like that, ever, you would not be hired.